Pandemic life

Last weekend I wasn’t in a good mood. I’ve realised that on here I do what I do in real life – when I’m feeling bad I don’t talk to anyone until after the fact so I can present it as a wrapped up dealt with scenario with myself as a far more balanced reasonable …

Lockdown diaries

I wrote this on my calendar earlier on in lockdown during a moment of frustration and although it’s true we did fuck all in April (in terms of what might need writing on a calendar) there is definitely something happening as we adjust to our stripped back lives. Other bloggers have articulated this so beautifully …

A year without alcohol

I actually can’t believe it’s been a year. When I started Kate Bee’s Sober school I didn’t expect to finish the 6 weeks! At first time seemed slower and the evenings were particularly long but then time has whizzed by and here we are. Somewhere around a month in something changed in my brain and …

A week of two parts

I’ve wanted to write all week but haven’t been able to as I’ve not known which narrative to share or how to combine them. If I told one it would invite a certain response that I didn’t really want, though I knew it would be heartfelt and sincere. To tell the other, and not mention …

The Guest House

Since I’ve ‘come out’ as depressed I’ve felt as if I’ve allowed it in, to wash over me and occupy the space. ‘Like that poem’ my good friend A said as I tried to explain what I meant. I looked it up and Rumi says it far better than I ever could. Most of my …

The Retreat

I saw my doctor Friday morning for a sick note and left with a prescription for antidepressants and a heavy heart. I didn’t want to go to the retreat. I didn’t want to talk to anyone let alone strangers. ‘What if they’re a bunch of weirdos?’ I said to my daughter J. ‘Well you’ll fit …

Stuck in the spin cycle

My plan to approach 2020 with tolerance and acceptance (mainly aimed at my job) got derailed after 2 days as shared in previous post. Talking it over with C brought some insights that I thought worth sharing. As we talked over what is bothering me I was lamenting how every time I try to manage …

Ghosts of Christmas past

Although this was my 2nd sober Christmas it felt like the first one. 2 years ago I’d stopped drinking on the 15th December. 10 days in I was raw, ashamed and shell shocked. This was new territory. I remember how lovely and kind my girls were that year – as if I was sick which …

Musings about addictions

As I was contemplating where I’m up to in my relationship with smoking (not stopped but have cut down) and how long it will be before I decide it’s over; I got to thinking about how I got to quitting alcohol and whether that can help speed up the process this time. I remember telling …