My little cat was hit by a car this morning and killed. She’s always been a free spirit – we lost her numerous times, but she always found her way home one way or another. If her heart belonged to anyone it was to my eldest daughter E. In recent years the cat lived between us and a neighbour (her and the dog from Greece didn’t hit it off) but whenever E was home she would appear and stay; less of the teenager only coming home for food and occasional rest. E has been here this weekend so we saw her last night and this morning a couple of hours before we got the call. I’m taking comfort from knowing what happened; when and where more or less. I know she would have died instantly. I know she had food in her belly. I know she slept in the warm last night. She was an old lady now – 14 1/2 years we’ve had her but you wouldn’t know it. She still looked like a kitten. I guess she used up her nine lives today.
I’ve spent the day since being sad and resting. I’m not gonna lie I’ve smoked spliff too. It’s helped me rest but not really taken away my grief. It occurred to me that alcohol might; then I realised it had stopped working for me quite a long time before I stopped drinking it. Stopped making the night out really good fun; stopped numbing me out when my feelings overwhelmed me. Instead of being the lubricant for my life it was becoming the life.
When this first starts to happen you just drink more – chasing the feeling and sometimes you find it. Those sweet nights when you and yours laugh so much and put the world to rights through long crazy conversations. Everything feels right. Mostly it eludes you though until the drinking isn’t about having fun anymore; its an end in itself, the main purpose of whatever it is you’re doing; if you’re doing anything at all other than stay home and drink. It’s like you’ve reached your maximum “lifetime consumption with fun” quota. Without noticing you’ve crossed into the “consumed by your addiction unless you stop” stage of your relationship. There’s no going back from here but there is a way forward if you choose to take it.
Knowing this – really knowing that it doesn’t work anymore; in spite of it looking like it’s fun for everybody else; and every form of media that subliminally enters your subconscious telling you it should be fun; when you really know that for you that ship has sailed there’s absolutely no point in having a drink. The first step forward.
So back to the smoking and the grieving. I know it doesn’t work, I don’t even want it to work. I want to mourn my little cat that we loved as much as she’d let us; her company hers to gift when she chose to. So why am I doing it? It’s my comfort blanket but I’m starting to see that it too takes as well as gives. I know I could get more done and have more motivation without it. If I’m about to pull away my safety net and give up my salaried job then I’m thinking it might weigh me down on the tightrope as I step out alone.
So I’m grieving today and being kind to myself, but I’m mindful of my choices. As I started to have these thoughts the song I’ve stolen the title of started playing in my head. They really don’t work for me anymore and I know which way I want to go on the road.
I mentioned in a previous blogpost that after inspiration from a fellow blogger my word for 2020 would be acceptance. The reason for this choice is that I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fix things or to change things. Constantly mixing it up and seeking newness and challenges which have also functioned as one big distraction from whatever is really going on inside. I’m not very good at allowing and being so I thought having acceptance as a mantra would help. I’m already being tested by work or rather my feelings and beliefs about work.
I left the NHS almost 4 years ago and now work for a private company that provides very specialised care to young people who would otherwise be in hospital. I love the client group, the team and the model of care but the corporate structures have grown as the company has and I hate all that being a natural born rebel. I tell myself that’s why I left the NHS so what am I doing here? I spoke to someone about going back to the NHS but was reminded that the emphasis on assessment and through put rather than individualised care and treatment was the other reason I left. I wanted to do work I could feel good about. I also struggle with working in the private sector when I’m a socialist as I’m not being true to my core values and beliefs. If I’d stayed in the NHS I could be retiring now so there’s a layer of regret there too. The result of all this agonising is I’m negative and unhappy at work, and I get moody and irritable about it at home. I’ve started working for myself as well and I love that but it is a lot less secure than a salary. How can I accept that work is never going to be perfect so that the imperfections don’t impact my mood and well being so much? Did I leave my last job too hastily? Probably yes but I can’t change that now and I was miserable. Can I improve things in my current job? Things were better for a while when I made a conscious effort to manage my emotions and expectations but since a young person died the negative thinking and reactions have crept back in.
On a seemingly completely different topic I saw a post about a horse for re-homing last night and thought I might look at it; even though I know it would tie me into massive financial and time commitments when I’ve other things I want to do that I struggle to fit in already; as well as wanting to work less if I can. I told myself I’m tied in to working for the foreseeable future so why shouldn’t I spend the money on a horse for me? I am getting less impulsive as I didn’t call immediately but slept on it. Today I’m not so keen and have decided to wait and see what I think in the summer and to let this one pass me by. I think my unconscious mind was getting uneasy about going back to work and hey presto here’s a distraction! If it was hamsters that floated my boat I’d probably have thousands by now! Excitement at the thought of something new blocking out the complicated difficult feelings I have about my job.
So no new horse and no new job for the time being. I will have good days and bad days, probably good hours and bad hours on the same day. Work is like that; life is like that. The problem when you don’t stand still for long is you don’t learn that most things pass by themselves, and nothing is permanent especially not feelings. When our feelings take charge, especially negative ones, then we view life through a shit coloured lens so even when it’s ok we find the bit that isn’t. Our reactions and responses shape what’s around us and if we keep it up long enough it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
So tomorrow morning before I go in I will do my yoga and meditation and aim to be mindful and calm.
I wrote the above 3 days ago but wasn’t entirely happy with it so it didn’t get posted. I didn’t manage to get up and do yoga but I went to work Wed determined to be positive. In the afternoon I had to go and be part of detaining one of my patients. She’d been found the wrong side of a motorway bridge by the police the night before and was on the local 136 suite (where the police bring people for assessment who they deem are at risk). This was her 5th such assessment in 10 days. We detained her and she kicked off resulting in restraint. I came home feeling both exhausted and agitated. I didn’t sleep well and yesterday all the petty irritations at work got to me and by the end of the day I was in tears. I talked it over with 2 of my lovely colleagues who said they thought I was depressed and should take some time off. I don’t think I am depressed as I’m ok when I’m not at work but when I think about it I’m not very motivated to do anything, can’t get up in the morning and the thoughts that life is a futile exercise and there is no point are never far away. Something about the experience on wed has triggered me; I’ve been in that kind of situation hundreds of times so why now? I would have always drank after a day like that in the past. Now I feel skinless – I have no defences against the pain and misery that is my stock in trade. I can’t do it anymore but I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t know if I’m absorbing other people’s trauma or if it’s triggering trauma of my own. Am I blaming work for my own weaknesses and faults? Why can’t I just get on with it like normal people do? Why do I feel others pain as if it were my own?
I don’t know the answers to these questions yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe I’m just burnt out after 30 years. I’ve taken the day off today and I’m writing this in bed as I can’t face getting up. I think I’m going to resign and figure out the rest (like how I’m going to pay my bills) whilst I work my notice. Perhaps it’s not just acceptance that I need but courage as well?
I’ve been hesitant about writing this post as it’s not just my story but my younger daughters’ as well. I’ve always talked too much about my girls to my friends, sharing their trials and tribulations and they don’t like it. I’ve got better at containing myself but I know I’m on a line here that I could easily cross. If there are gaps and missing information it’s because I’m trying not to.
I loved horses as a child and when I was 11 my mum bought me a pony with help from the woman who would become my step mum 2 years later. My step sister and I spent many happy days in early adolescence riding free round the countryside. Driving my dad mad building courses of jumps out of straw bales in his newly harvested fields. As we got older the ponies were often neglected for boys – guiltily caught and fussed over when said boys let us down. My 2nd pony became unridable and I spent the insurance money putting her in foal. I came home from school one day and she’d been slaughtered. She’d gone lame and the vet thought she had a brain tumour. She had laminitis – a foot condition that is easily managed. I think that day marked the end of childhood for me.
I didn’t really ride again for many years, the odd holiday ride here and there in my twenties. In my thirties a regular riding holiday in the Brecon Beacons brought me close to my childhood experiences. The freedom and the exhilaration of galloping across the wide open spaces is an incomparable feeling. It wasn’t until my forties that I really got back into it though. When we moved back to England in 2005 J started riding lessons with her friend and I started going too. The yard had jumping competitions and they let you borrow a horse to compete. Not something you find very often. New Year’s Eve 2007 having not jumped since my teens I did 3 rounds – the last ending with me on my arse in a flower pot. I was buzzing all night I’d had so much fun.
By the end of 2008 I’d bought 2 horses – one for me and one for J. A was not happy as I’ve mentioned before. When I’d excitedly show others a picture of my horse he would comment ‘more like your new fucking partner’. He was right in a way; I was in love with Jake (the horse) and I’d found a way to meet my needs other than through my marriage and children. My eldest daughter E was neglected too I’m ashamed to say. Between work, the horses and drinking there wasn’t much space left. Our family became one of two halves.
J is a good rider and shares my passion. We got a lot of rosettes and had a lot of good times. The 1st pony was outgrown and replaced; a horse box was purchased and we went further afield. I worked more to pay for it all but horses are expensive and the angst about money was never far away and the overdraft grew. The rift between me and A got deeper.
Fast forward to September 2012. I’d just met C and was standing at a fork in the road of my life unsure which path to take. J had outgrown pony number two and we were taking the horses to the beach for a last fun ride before she went to her new home. On the way back my car set on fire and we had to unload the horses on the side of the motorway. Luckily we were right next to a works exit and lots of people helped us. As I looked at my car spewing out smoke and making alarming banging noises I realised that life as I knew it had blown up too and there was no going back.
The search for a new horse for J began. C paid for it and we had high hopes. This is one of my biggest regrets. I wish we had waited and allowed things to settle down. I felt so guilty about my girls and the pain of divorce that I was inflicting I wanted to make it up to them. C is a very generous soul and he wanted me to be happy so was a willing accomplice in my efforts to buy them happiness. I see now how unfair this was to A. Creating an uneven playing field for how we would parent once apart. I can’t help thinking that what came next was the karma for this mistake.
2013 and we are at a cross country competition, doing solo and pairs. C is with us. J’s horse falls at fence 5 of the pairs. I know she’s going to be in a foul mood and I want to complete the course so once I know they are both up I carry on. Not my finest parenting moment. From then on J has problems with her horse. Eventually we realise it was from the neck trauma but for ages both me and her instructor think it’s J being stressed and anxious when she rides. Instead of triumph in the ring it’s embarrassment. Where once riding was a source of self worth for J it became the source of self doubt. J’s own well being and the horses were intertwined.
In the midst of all this C had an issue that meant he couldn’t work for a few months. I wept all night as I thought I would have to give up the horses. By the morning I had a plan to keep them. I’d have given up anything else more readily.
Whilst this cycle continued I threw time and money at trying to fix the horse to no avail. June 2015, J came home from a holiday with friends bright and cheerful and excited to see him. An hour later she’s crying in the car that she never wants to ride again. I accepted defeat and the horse physio took him off our hands for 10% of what we had paid for him. I was just glad we didn’t have to put him down.
Two days later J is texting me adverts for horses! I don’t have to accept defeat – I can still fix this! I borrowed the money from my brother and bought another. The plan was to bring her on and compete her then sell her when J went to uni 2 years later. She wasn’t the easiest of horses and the cycle continued – progressively worsening as we slowly unravelled all her problems. 3 months before J left home the horse had back surgery. J had had enough. I’d failed to fix the horse and in doing so had failed my daughter. I was left with an unrideable horse and an unhappy daughter.
I was still riding and competing my horse but the fun was muted now; he had his injuries and issues too meaning I had to retire him late 2017. I turned my attention to Js horse and started her rehabilitation. I couldn’t get on with her at all and after 6 months could barely trot! J decided she would ride her again. I think this took immense courage on her part after so much heartache.
I’ve learnt some painful life lessons through all of this. You can’t always get what you want. I wanted to divorce without fucking up my kids and my attempts to make it better made it worse. Trying to fix everything is a way to avoid feeling the pain. I should have allowed the anger and upset more and accepted them; from my children and myself. Eventually I made the connection between my quest to fix Js horses and the loss of my own as a teenager. My unresolved loss fuelling my actions in the present and in the process passing the pain down the generations.
I’ve viewed my children’s happiness or otherwise as a measurement of my mothering ability over the years, a role I really want to be good at – don’t we all? I’ve realised that’s a lot of pressure for them that they could have done without. There is a fine line between pushy and supportive parenting when it comes to sports or anything else I guess. Of course you want them to do well but when their self worth gets caught up in their achievement; or your own issues in your feelings about it like my grief did then it’s not healthy. We can’t make our kids happy. We can try to make them resilient and we can be there when they struggle. That’s what really matters – not what you or anyone else thinks of your parenting.
Chasing after dreams turns them into expectations and we too easily lose sight of the true pleasures when our hopes are dashed. The feeling of riding across open countryside is what it’s about really, not winning competitions. Like life it’s about being in the moment, really experiencing it as it happens, not dwelling on a past mistake or a future goal.
Things have been up and down these last 2 years with the horse. Since we decided in the summer that she’s staying with us they’ve been doing well. I’ve had to let go of wanting another one for myself and appreciate how lucky I am to have one at all, even if I can’t ride her very well! I’m seeing this time as an opportunity for me and J to re-work our relationship through the horses. We are back doing what we were, going out jumping most weekends but we are calmer, less expectant and learning to just enjoy the ride.
I began and ended 2019 in the beautiful County of Northumberland. Last year we were with friends (and drinking); this year just me, C and the dogs. Lots of scrabble, beach walks and for me an all consuming jigsaw. If I hadn’t finished it this morning I doubt I’d be writing this!
We spent last night with an old school friend and her family. We reminisced, told stories, and laughed a lot. Just before midnight we went out onto the hill above the town and watched the fireworks. It was a very special evening. Driving back to our cottage down the A1 in the small hours we saw a shooting star in the clear night sky. It occurred to me I’ve never driven on New Year’s Day before. Never done much at all other than nurse a hangover. The insight that even the traditionally most boozy night of the year could be more fun sober is a big one for me. Up until 3 years ago I’ve viewed New Year’s Eve as the best part of the Xmas holidays – by a mile. I would volunteer to work Xmas so as not to miss out. The years and the parties have blended together into a memory board of lots of fun moments though there’s a lot I can’t remember at all. 2016 was a heavy one even by new year standards and unsurprisingly I got ill soon after. It turned into pneumonia and I spent most of that January in bed.
This frightened me enough to decide that I’d go away and have a quiet new year in 2017. It took the whole of the year for me to stop drinking and another year and a bit to stop finally; but I think this may have been the moment when I first realised things needed to change. A seed was planted in my consciousness. It has taken time to germinate and find the light of day but it’s growing stronger all the time. I accidentally had a mouthful of Prosecco last night thinking it was my Nosecco. It tasted horrible. Proof if I needed it of how far I’ve come in these 3 years.
So we have a new year and a new decade. The world seems to be going to hell in a handcart and all I can think is that by the end of this next decade things are going to have to be very different if humans are going to survive as a species. We need an antidote to the inevitable fear and anxiety the state of the world generates that doesn’t come in a bottle.
The big picture is very depressing but the word I picked after reading Ann’s inspiring blog https://ainsobriety.wordpress.com/2019/12/28/explore-word-the-year/ for 2020 is acceptance. I’ve wasted a lot of energy in my life raging about things I can’t change whilst not doing something about the things I can. I can’t do much about the government right now but I can get involved in protests, or local projects helping people worst effected. Alcohol makes you very self centred; then when you stop drinking you need to look inwards for a while to process all the shit you’d numbed out with the booze! Connection with others is good medicine for addiction. These are my hopes for 2020. Happy new year everyone! 🥳🥳
Although this was my 2nd sober Christmas it felt like the first one. 2 years ago I’d stopped drinking on the 15th December. 10 days in I was raw, ashamed and shell shocked. This was new territory. I remember how lovely and kind my girls were that year – as if I was sick which in a way I was. I think their reaction made me realise how much of a problem my drinking actually was for them. Functional alcoholics don’t function where it matters most – in their families. The world may be fooled but your loved ones aren’t.
This year after an interlude of moderate drinking (who was I kidding?) I’ve been alcohol free for 8 months. I hadn’t even thought too much about whether it would be difficult – it’s just the way it is now. I hadn’t anticipated the ghosts of Christmas past paying a visit.
Christmas Eve is spent cooking and sending C out shopping for all the last minute things then my mum comes round for dinner. We’re all in the kitchen and my mum makes a comment about how too strict parenting messes you up in later life like it did her. I didn’t react or even clock my thinking at the time but not long after I got incredibly wound up. I wanted to scream or cry and to be alone. By the time we sat down to eat I’d infected everyone with my bad mood. J tried to help me calm down which just led to tears rolling down my cheeks at the table. I felt awful as of course I wanted things to be perfect and I’d achieved the opposite effect again.
I got back into a more grateful positive space before the evening was done but when I woke up I was sad. I wanted to push it down and get on with the day but C encouraged me to talk. I made the connection with the comment from my mum. I thought back to my own childhood Christmases. I don’t remember them that well. The worst was the year my mum was living in a bedsit with her alcoholic partner and my sister, younger brother and I visited. I was in my early twenties. The car broke down as we got there and there was nowhere to sleep. My mum was drunk. We wanted to leave but couldn’t. My sister and I walked the streets until we found a B&B. We got through Christmas somehow. What possessed us to go? The idea that it might be different I guess. Humans keep hoping they will get what they need from their attachment figures even when the evidence is telling them otherwise. If we hadn’t hung in there with this seemingly false hope we wouldn’t have our mum today though.
Anyway in the recounting of fragmented memories of Christmases past I got angry – ‘never mind your fucking childhood – what about mine – I hate you’. C exclaimed ‘there it is’ and I smiled through my tears and my body relaxed.
The rest of the day was lovely. We all loved our presents (the painting of my dogs on this post was my favourite); dinner was produced without the drama of the night before; games were played and we all had fun. Nosecco was a fabulous drink to have with my Christmas dinner. I realised that I usually spend most of Christmas Day trying not to appear as drunk as I actually am; which takes up progressively more of your attention as the day goes on until you are clock watching and planning your exit. As I watched the Gavin and Stacey Xmas special with my girls it hit me how much more relaxed I was without this internal struggle.
It’s interesting that although I think I’ve resolved a lot of my feelings about childhood, and certainly do not harbour anger or resentment towards my parents; Christmas stepped on the landmine buried in my subconscious. So much expectation and effort helped blow it up. I missed my anaesthetic – how I’ve always dealt with it in the past. I suspect this happens for so many people this time of year. We dare to hope only to have our past disappointments colour our present. Past emotions running roughshod over our present like an unwelcome visitor. I had several moments when I thought about having a drink – I’m so glad I didn’t. Once I’d allowed my feelings they settled back down and freed me up to have a really lovely day with the people and animals I love most. I hope the ghost of this Christmas does visit next year!
Just catching up with some posts this morning before I get up and write the final Christmas list of tasks – presents still to get and wrap, food to buy and cook. As soon as I’ve written it I need to get on with doing it! The election and the depressed mood afterwards delayed my Christmas preparation and as I’m always pretty last minute this year its on the wire! We only got the tree decorated last night when my eldest daughter E came home. I love all the tat from when they were children that I still put on so it’s full on gaudy – looks better in real life than the photo if you like that sort of thing!
I find the commercial aspects of Christmas annoying and I’m pretty bah humbug until about now then I start to get into it. As a woman and a mum Christmas is a lot of extra work but if you pull it off and make your loved ones happy that’s a lovely feeling. This year I’m trying to focus on that part rather than the stress!
Anyway the main reason I’m writing this is to say I hope you all have whatever kind of Christmas you are hoping for and there is lots of love, peace and contentment. Starting this blog and interacting on here has been massive for me this year and I think of you all as friends – the kind you really like and really enjoy spending time with; the kind that tell it to you straight so you trust their judgement, but they can do it in a way that doesn’t shame or embarrass you at all; the kind you can be your real self with and not worry about what they think. Really good mates in other words.
Me and C are away for New Year so I’m hoping all the blogs posts whirring round my subconscious beneath the to do lists will make it out then! Until then Happy Christmas you wonderful people and thank you for being here.
Yesterday I spent the day canvassing for Labour. I met lovely like minded people; I felt good about getting a flustered 81 year old Maureen to the polling station to exercise her democratic right to vote. I felt hope in humanity. By midnight I was in despair. We have the most far right government of my lifetime; a media that is their personal propaganda machine and a proven liar and cheat as prime minister. Our human rights and democracy itself is under threat. Putin’s plans to destabilise Western democracies are going rather well both sides of the Atlantic.
This morning my fear and despair are telling me I can run away from this shit show one way or another. I could emigrate – New Zealand seems attractive. Or I could retreat into my middle class bubble. I’ll be ok economically as long as I stay healthy. Or I could get pissed. Drown my sorrows; block out the uncomfortable truths.
All of these selfish solutions cement their victory though. What I’ve learnt from my experiences canvassing is that when humans get together in pursuit of a better world for all; its powerful, uplifting and nurturing for the soul. We weren’t powerful enough to win this time; people’s anger is still being played out through Brexit rather than the real issues. Some of the poorest areas voted Tory for fucks sake! If we stay connected and reach out repeatedly to those people though; listening, caring and doing what we can to help; they will know who really has their interests at heart when this government fails to deliver what it promised. The Labour centrists will want us to chase the middle ground again; but that is now so far right it would betray all our principles. We have to hold firm with belief in our social democratic plans; right policies, wrong time.
I’m going to allow myself today to wallow in my despair. Tonight I’m seeing good friends to listen to good music – that will lift our spirits. Then I’m going to make sure I stay connected with those likeminded people. I’m going to get active in my local Labour Party; join more protests; keep speaking up and speaking out all year round. Connection is the opposite of addiction. Connection will nurture the vestiges of my hope, give me the energy to continue the fight, to stand up and be counted instead of running scared.
As I was contemplating where I’m up to in my relationship with smoking (not stopped but have cut down) and how long it will be before I decide it’s over; I got to thinking about how I got to quitting alcohol and whether that can help speed up the process this time.
I remember telling my brother Xmas 2011 that I knew I drank too much and I was going to cut down. He nodded sagely. I’d probably already started the trying to cut down; the no booze til Friday, well maybe Thursday as you’re going out anyway routine; that usually ended with a beer after a hard day tues or wed followed by wine Thursday as you may as well now and start again Monday. This went on for years. I’m sure you recognise it. The incessant bargaining with the wine witch. I didn’t know about her then though, just thought it was me myself I in the conversation.
At first I told myself I drank because I wasn’t happy in my marriage. I got divorced. I still drank. Even more. I was stressed of course, so that made it ok. I was also in a new relationship and in love. Whereas A had acted as my brakes in our relationship (or tried to) C was more of an accelerator. He would anticipate my every want and what I wanted was alcohol! Our weekends together were champagne fuelled and deliriously wonderful. I’d return home to stress at work and home; just me and my angry upset younger daughter. Wine got me through. Drinking for fun; drinking to deal with my emotions; drinking to manage stress – whatever the situation wine was most definitely the solution.
C moved up and our relationship shifted to more ordinary married life. The champagne was replaced by ordinary wine. I knew my drinking was out of control but I couldn’t talk about it. I began to realise that I had changed everything except myself. I had run out of excuses as to why I drank. I drank to drink. Simple. I wanted someone else to tell me I had a problem. In the end my daughter did and I stopped for a few months. On a Friday. No waiting for Monday. Just before Xmas. I reconnected with yoga during those months but then thought I could drink moderately again. It took almost a year of not so moderate drinking until I stopped again and here I am 8 months on; wiser and happier most of the time but still not addiction free. I have a foot in each camp – half sober, half addict. I worry this might be what leads me back to alcohol.
One of the most powerful motivators for me was not wanting to hit rock bottom – whatever that might have been for me. I’ve seen my mum living in a bedsit with a drunken partner; no money, no friends, no self respect. I seemed to be getting away with it or was I storing up a big load of trouble for later? This thought vexed me constantly. The other big motivator is my relationship with my girls and this may help with the smoking. Since my divorce I’m really conscious of being their only source of support. They don’t see much of their dad and they are both single. They have each other of course and friends but I fear not being around for them. Not enough to stop smoking so far though! Our ability to disassociate information when we want to is truly remarkable.
If I’m honest smoking is a habit and a hard one to break. I also think that staying in with C and smoking rather than going out when everyone else is drinking suits me at this point. I like our bubble; I feel safe, soothed and protected from the world. I thought not drinking would change it; it has and it’s better. Perhaps it will be better still without the smoking? When I finally get there I’ll let you know!
I’m not very well at the moment – chesty cough, fever and sinusitis. I managed work last week very grumpily (I tend to psychologise when I’m ill so rather than marked physical symptoms I get stressed and miserable) but had to cancel most of my weekend plans as got ill properly and took to my bed Saturday. I don’t get ill very often but when I do it usually starts me off thinking about giving up smoking. This has been on my mind quite a lot anyway. I wrote about stopping ‘soon’ 3 months ago! Since then I planned to do Stoptober but the death of a patient a few days before meant I felt too stressed; and I’ve set a few dates that have come and gone. Last night I decided I would go for a 28 day break starting today. Smoke free so no spliffs or cigs but if I’m missing it I can start again before Xmas. As I typed that I realised the complete madness of that statement. If I can go 28 days without smoking why would I want to start again? Last night the idea that I could have it back for Christmas seemed important. I don’t want the cigs back so the issue is spliff. In the past when I’ve stopped smoking tobacco completely I’ve not wanted to get stoned. When I’ve had a spliff with tobacco it’s got me back smoking cigs. Clearly the nicotine is the main addiction here but psychologically it’s the cannabis that I want to hang on to. This connundrum has kept me a smoker of something or other for many years and I want to stop. (I wrote need to stop first but then thought that needing and wanting are different things; and what I need is to own this and really want to!)
So I’ve written myself 2 lists like I did when I quit drinking (1st task of Kate Bee’s Sober School) and here they are:
Things I hate about smoking:
Coughing and shortness of breath, being unfit, smelly clothes and hair, stained teeth, anxiety about health, demotivates me and steals time that I could be blogging, doing yoga, walking dogs, riding. Internal conflict makes me grumpy, makes it hard to get up in the morning, expensive.
What I’m looking forward to:
Feeling free, writing more, less health anxiety, doing more yoga and meditation, more money, more self respect, embracing full sobriety.
4 hours later:
I was supposed to go to my book group this evening but it was cancelled as too many of us can’t make it. So I had a spliff instead – wtf is that about? How can I so easily let my good intentions be laid to waste? Feeling sorry for myself and it’s still my no 1 self soothe? Fear of embracing sobriety? Fear of being alone with my unaltered consciousness? Fear of just being when not doing? Pure nicotine craving? Old habits refusing to die? Probably all of those things and more.
When I was drinking I constantly set myself rules; starting on a Monday about when and how much I would drink that week. I inevitably broke them which meant I would wait until the next Monday to try again. Quite a few years passed before I finally admitted this approach was not getting me anywhere and the constant internal dialogue about it was driving me mad. So I’m not going to fall into the same trap again. It’s easier to say now than it’s going to be to do but I’m going to commit to stopping again tomorrow, and then the next day, one day at a time.
You are often in my thoughts but particularly this week as it would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s got me reflecting a lot on what was and perhaps what might have been. We’d already been together 11 years and had our girls when we married. It was as much a celebration of what we had as well as an expression of hope for the future. We did have more happy times ahead but somewhere we lost our way and grew apart. I’ve thought about us a lot since then, changing my view of things as I’ve come to terms with it all. This letter is to say sorry for the wrongs I did you. I don’t think you’d want me to send it to you somehow so you’ll probably never read it but I do need to say it so here it is.
You were loyal and dependable right from the start. I couldn’t quite believe my luck. I didn’t think much of myself back then so it blew me away that you wanted to be with me and treated me so well. I know I struggled to be as loyal and dependable back – especially when you were in Germany. Looking back I think it was my way of protecting myself from the pain of separation – a childhood scar that runs deep. You came back and we settled down, bought a house together. I carried a lot of guilt though. It was a crack running through the foundation of our relationship. We built over it and round it but we never really repaired it.
I think we were happiest when the girls were little. I loved being a family, loved seeing you play with them. You were so much calmer than me, more patient. Together we were a good team, yin and yang. Giving my children a stable childhood was a priority for me after the instability of my own. You were the rock that we organised around and it worked.
So what changed? I don’t think you did. You’re quite a straight forward person. I was always the emotional, moody one – searching for more; more fun, more meaning, more anything really! Easily frustrated, easily bored, often distracted. I think you felt neglected by me a lot of the time. I’m not really the good wife type much as I wanted to be. I prioritised the girls, my work, my friends, the horses over you at different times in our relationship. If you did complain I’d quickly shout you down. I’m more verbal and more domineering. I organised everything and I ruled the roost. I’ve become more aware of how controlling I can be in recent years and I’m truly sorry for that. I think it comes from a place of not liking myself very much. I needed everything to look perfect, to be perfect or risk it all crashing down. I’d justify myself by complaining about your passivity. That’s part of the story but this is about apologising for my faults not naming yours. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more accepting and appreciate the good instead of trying to make it better all the time and making you feel not good enough in the process. I’m learning to be in the moment and see the beauty of now but back then I was always chasing something more and in the process lost what I had.
Recently I’ve been wondering what part alcohol played in our eventual demise. You often said I was at my best when I was re-toxing! I don’t think my relationship with alcohol was ever healthy. The irritability and restlessness I now recognise as part of addiction were part of our daily lives and I attributed them to something else that needed sorting or changing. I’ve finally got around to changing myself instead of everything around me. We had a lot of fun times but I never really knew when to stop. In many ways you were my brakes and kept me from the worst of myself for many years. My drinking really escalated after we split up. I did care what you thought even if it didn’t always look that way. Thank you for your tolerance.
When we moved back to the UK I had an uneasy feeling that this was similar to my own childhood – moving back followed by separation. A sense of history repeating itself whether we wanted it to or not. You said you thought we would never split up whereas I’d always feared we would. We were ok for a while but you hated your job and got miserable. I think the rot really started when Button died. We both loved that dog like our first child. I wanted another and you didn’t. I later understood this was about grief but at the time I thought you were being unreasonable and selfish. Eventually you cracked and we got another dog. I don’t think you got over thinking how selfish and unreasonable I had been about it. If only we’d been able to talk about it. Soon after I got back into riding and bought horses. You didn’t approve at all and couldn’t help showing it. No big arguments just smouldering resentment. For me this was exciting and life affirming but to you it was a load of money on something that took me away from you – you couldn’t relate at all. You couldn’t share in my pleasure and the resentment on both sides became a wall between us. You’ve always been cautious with money whereas I’m impulsive. I earned more but had taken on your fiscal anxieties until the horses. Looking back I moved the goalposts without discussion and did what I wanted with little regard for you. You put up with it but didn’t like it. We started to live increasingly separate lives.
I didn’t talk to anyone about how we were. The idea of separating out our lives was too much to contemplate. Eventually I did talk to a friend and then to you. I said I was unhappy and wanted to see if we could change things; if we couldn’t then I wanted to split up. 3 weeks later I met C. I was surprised how shocked and upset you were. It seemed to come out of the blue to you whereas it had been in my mind a long time. I hated seeing you hurt so much. It was the hardest thing I have ever done – causing you and the girls so much pain. If I hadn’t have met C then I think I’d have bottled it like I did when we nearly split early on. I don’t think that would have been good for any of us though. It was too late by then. I was relieved when you met someone quickly and got yourself back together. We divorced easily without too many arguments, managing to live in the same house for another 12 months. I’m proud that we did that. I wasn’t prepared for the difficulties that came after between you and J. You were such a devoted dad I never expected that to change. I know the way I was in those early months didn’t help – I still thought I could tell you what to do and it took me a while to realise I was making things worse. You wanted distance and I had to learn that I could no longer set the terms of our relationship. I missed you as a co-parent and a friend – I still do. I think J reminds you of me and that was too much for you to bear at the time. Now it seems like neither of you know how to fix it. I hope that one day you figure it out for both of your sakes.
When you break up with someone it’s easier to hate them, ruminate on their faults and tell yourself you never really loved them anyway. How else do you walk away? I am now in a place where I can say I loved you very much and I’m grateful for the love you gave me. We were together for 24 years; raised 2 beautiful intelligent daughters and had lots of good times. I am thankful for all of it and my only regrets are the pain I’ve caused to those I love including you. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be forever but it doesn’t mean they were not meant to be. I do hope you are happy.