I’ve not blogged for a while and I’ve missed you all! Life has been busier with work, family and horses and I’ve not been able to find the time though ideas have been swirling round my head not making it onto the screen. I’d written about feeling as if I’ve retreated into a cave and a sense I need to be preparing for whatever lies ahead but right now life feels good and I’m learning to appreciate the small things more in the moment and at times feel a deep sense of contentment. I’ve always lived life fast and been onto the next thing before the dust settles so I reckon this slower simpler living experience is good for me. I am where I am and change will come – I don’t need to force anything or make it happen. C says you need to blossom where you are planted so I’m thinking that being content here now rather than planning for the future is a good way to be.
I’m still smoking but I have a plan to stop in September when I reduce my hours at work. I’m in conversation with the smoke devil most days and although he’s not as insufferable as the wine witch was I’d like him gone! I’m also recognising that his ongoing presence enables the wine witch to pop her head up more often. I haven’t drank but I’m wistful at times with a small sense of missing out so I need to watch that.
I’ve been getting plenty of work and I’m enjoying working for myself and I’m ready to drop the day job albeit slowly. I struggle with private healthcare being a socialist so I’m letting people pay what they can afford within a range and that feels right. The emphasis on processes rather than content in mainstream services stifles the creativity and flexibility needed to do really good work in mental health and it’s liberating to be able to focus on the patient and your intervention rather than the forms and recording!
I’m reading a great book about ageing by Parker J. Palmer- on the brink of everything that I discovered from Boozebrain’s blog https://boozebrain.wordpress.com/2020/07/04/road-to-nowhere/. I was interested as I know I struggle with the idea of ageing and in particular with C being older than me. It got me thinking about love and appearances and how the two are really not connected at all. I love the essence of C’s being – his spirit if you like so the body that holds that will always be beautiful to me.
I did have a few days when I felt low and was worried my depression was sneaking back. Having both my girls home at the moment has sorted that thankfully. E is a teacher and I’d not seen her since March. She’s been baking sourdough bread, pizzas and pancakes for us and is easy company. I’ve spoken to both my girls to say sorry for the impact of my drinking on their childhoods. E didn’t really want to hear it stressing the happy memories so I did the same. J told me if I started feeling guilty then I’d probably go moody on her again and she’s ok now so leave it be so I did! It needed to be said though and I feel lighter for it even if they are both too kind to me to say anything! E still struggles with C as she’s spent the least time with him but it’s getting better and I can let them be without an urge to try and fix it.
I’ve saved the best until last – the riding competitions were brilliant fun! I’ve not competed for 3 years and didn’t think I’d ever be able to on this horse and we did a decent dressage and then came 4th in the cross country! The feeling of riding round a course on a willing horse is better than anything else in the world and I had a huge grin all the way! I realised how much I’ve missed it and how much horses are part of my soul. There’s more at the end of the month and I can’t wait! When I did it before I was drinking for fun too and that fun comes nowhere near this, and I’m better at this without the booze so it’s very affirming of my other choices too.
Of course being personally in a good place whilst the world is in turmoil and others are suffering in so many ways means I do feel my privilege and feel guilty that I’m not giving more back or doing something. I can understand the behaviour of ordinary Germans in the build up to the Holocaust now whereas my younger self couldn’t comprehend it. I wonder if the Syrian people were just carrying on before their country tore itself apart? It’s a mixture of helplessness, paralysis and turning inward to protect yourself and yours. I hope that things start to change for the better on the back of this wake up call from nature and that when the time comes I am able to be part of that change. I hope you are all in a good place too.