The Heart Failure Diaries 2: (making memories)

When I hear the song Memories by Barbara Striesand I think of my mum. This week I’ve been reliving my horse memories, as we’ve made the sad decision to retire the little horse. Too many issues with uncertain outcomes. I read of the horrors in Ukraine, the losses so many are having to bear and I know how lucky I am to be me right now. I’m not having a pity party, but I am allowing myself to be sad. I can’t remember the last time I rode her as I didn’t know it was the last time – we hoped she would recover with her time off. I think of mother’s not knowing the kiss and wave goodbye to their children isn’t the last, and all the last times people missed in the pandemic. My heart is overwhelmed with the suffering in the world.

With mum we are in a strange knowing but not knowing place. My siblings have been visiting. It’s reassuring they see what I see and we are of similar mind sets. Her optician looked in her eyes and said “You’re not well are you?” ”It’s bucket list time” she replied and made a joke about what she was getting me to do! Ever stoical to the outside world. Her echo is soon and then we will hopefully get a prognosis. Of course the doctors can’t tell us what we really want to know which is how long? Do we get another birthday? Christmas? We don’t get to schedule death and loss even if we can see it coming. What we do get to do is savour every moment, to notice them and make an effort to remember them. It’s intense living this way but we’re making memories to sustain us in the future.

Ive been scatty at work these last 2 weeks – forgetting things and feeling chaotic. I’m off for a few days now and this morning the tears came. “I don’t want my mum to die” I sobbed, the dam bursting as I have a day to myself so I have space to be sad. Tomorrow my eldest E comes for Easter, her boyfriend is coming too on Sunday for a family get together. Mum will be so happy she got to meet him. I’ll need to smile, be strong and be the reassuring grown up. We’ll have fun but we will all be wondering if it’s the last time we will be together like that. We don’t know but if it is we will have the memories.

“Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply to choose to forget

So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
The way we were” by Alan & Marilyn Bergman & Marvin Hamlisch