The wine witch is trying to stage a comeback

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I took my last post down as I got paranoid about someone somehow figuring out who I am and where I work as we are not allowed to discuss the details with anyone not directly connected with what happened. I knew that it was really unlikely – I guess it was more if work knew I’d put something out in the public domain and I got in trouble – anyway I worried about it intermittently all day – like a paranoid intrusive thought in between the grief so I took it down when I got home. I wanted to say thank you though for your comments from those that did see it – they really did help. You are a lovely bunch of people 💞

It’s been an intense and difficult few days as you’d imagine. I can be really strong then the tears come again. I don’t really want to eat much but I am sleeping. I am smoking a lot. I’ve wanted to get drunk the most I have since we said goodbye to C’s best friend dying of cancer in May. I haven’t but I’m away on a course next week and the sneaky thought ‘I could drink and no one would know’ has been floating around in all of this. Prior to this I was looking forward to being by myself on this trip. I’m in London and I’ve got myself an apartment rather than a hotel room as it’s a whole week. I’d been thinking about doing yoga, reading and writing without dogs to walk, horse to see to, husband to care for, mum to visit, daughters to check in with and work etc etc. I love all those things and all those people and they really don’t make demands of me but life is a constant juggle of things and it can feel like I’m always having to rush or think about the next task. I’d have course work to do but the luxury of only one thing to focus on, a few days of being a single person – I was really excited. C is coming for the weekend too. Now I’m anxious – too much freedom and no one to be accountable to except myself and I don’t trust me right now.

I’ve got a week until I go so hopefully this feeling will subside. I know it’s the wine witch – still there in my subconscious waiting for her moment. Telling me I can get away with it. Maybe it’s the smoke devil too as I am thinking that now is not the right time to stop smoking as if I do I think I’m more likely to drink next week. They’re working together the bastards. Anyway I’ve told C and I’ve told you. I’m not really a sneaky lying sort of person – I never even hid my smoking from my dad as a teenager very much – I was always more ‘fuck off if you don’t like what I’m doing’ – on the outside anyway. The remnants of the good catholic girl on the inside was ashamed of my attitude. It’s scary that I’m thinking of being so deceptive.

So I’m telling myself that if I say it’s ok to get pissed this time, then I’ve opened the door to all the other times that I’ll decide it’s ok ‘just this once’. I might manage to keep it to the heartbreak at first. Then what about all the happy occasions – weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays? Then it’ll be ‘hey it’s the weekend’ and before I can say ‘Sauvignon blanc please’ it will be pretty much every day again. I don’t want that. I don’t want to waste so much of my headspace debating with the wine witch, losing and hating myself for it. That is a big gain for me – freeing up my mind from the incessant debate. I’ll check in here and wherever else I need to and I will not drink!

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8 Comments

  1. I don’t know about you, but going on a conference or business trip would be a trigger for me. In the past, I would actually go out to the closest grocery store and bring wine back to my hotel room. I couldn’t stand drinking it in those plastic cups so I would go ask the hotel bar for a wine glass. I am working a job now that doesn’t require travel, and I am thankful I don’t have that trigger, because it would be a hard one to overcome. My thoughts and prayers go out to you for strength. It’s none of my business, but maybe you should wait to quit smoking until you get back. I think I missed that you were going to do that in a previous post, but it sounds as though you are planning to quit. I would be careful that you aren’t setting yourself up to fail. Anyway… my two cents. Take care of yourself 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with Stacy, about the smoking.
    I know your trip would have been a big trigger for me, too.
    You are going to have to build in some extra supports for yourself.
    I’m glad you told us.
    The alcohol made you sneaky, a person who you don’t want to be. It’s a terrible drug. It makes us miserable. Keep that in mind.
    Much Strength I send you,
    Wendy

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Wendy! I’ll keep that uppermost in my mind – I think once I get to feeling calmer hopefully this week I will be ok. Drinking will make everything worse I know that and at almost 6 months I don’t want to start over! 💞

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  3. I feel your pain and anguish. It’s a real stinker and anyone who says you don’t get feelings like you describe is either a saint or a liar. It’s a shame but we are the ones who couldn’t really moderate (I hope I’m not talking out turn here) – If I could moderate I’d still be happily sipping the odd wine and occasional beer but I can’t. It’s a nuanced complex thing this early sobriety but I think it’s definitely going to be worth the struggle. Enjoy London and stay strong.
    Jim x

    Liked by 4 people

  4. So sorry to hear it’s been tough. I’ve been having major paranoid feelings on and off as well which seems to alternate with tripped-out (or in?) pink cloud. I wonder if it’s something in the air. Or (in my case) peri-menopause. Anyway, always good to follow gut instincts. And take good care of yourself. Always love your posts, they’re among my favourite. I’m so sorry I missed any if I did, I don’t know how it’s possible since I’m regularly on this feed, but I was away from it today having some troubles in my head. Sending love.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hang in there! You say it all when you mention that you are done “wasting so much headspace debating” . It’s a very powerful reason to stay sober and it really helps me when I feel fragile. There is no such thing as “just one”. And it’s just not worth it 🙂 ❤ I hope you feel better soon, you've been through a lot these last few days and you deserve some "you" time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At least in an apartment you don’t need to worry about the mini bar.
    I saw the post and didn’t know how to respond so I said nothing. I’m sorry.
    Stock up the fridge with sparkling water, coffee machine refills, nice tea. Pamper yourself. Be kind to yourself. Something I wouldn’t normally say, but, don’t give up smoking while away on your trip. No need to load the stress unfairly.
    Sleep lots if you can.

    Liked by 1 person

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