I took my last post down as I got paranoid about someone somehow figuring out who I am and where I work as we are not allowed to discuss the details with anyone not directly connected with what happened. I knew that it was really unlikely – I guess it was more if work knew I’d put something out in the public domain and I got in trouble – anyway I worried about it intermittently all day – like a paranoid intrusive thought in between the grief so I took it down when I got home. I wanted to say thank you though for your comments from those that did see it – they really did help. You are a lovely bunch of people 💞
It’s been an intense and difficult few days as you’d imagine. I can be really strong then the tears come again. I don’t really want to eat much but I am sleeping. I am smoking a lot. I’ve wanted to get drunk the most I have since we said goodbye to C’s best friend dying of cancer in May. I haven’t but I’m away on a course next week and the sneaky thought ‘I could drink and no one would know’ has been floating around in all of this. Prior to this I was looking forward to being by myself on this trip. I’m in London and I’ve got myself an apartment rather than a hotel room as it’s a whole week. I’d been thinking about doing yoga, reading and writing without dogs to walk, horse to see to, husband to care for, mum to visit, daughters to check in with and work etc etc. I love all those things and all those people and they really don’t make demands of me but life is a constant juggle of things and it can feel like I’m always having to rush or think about the next task. I’d have course work to do but the luxury of only one thing to focus on, a few days of being a single person – I was really excited. C is coming for the weekend too. Now I’m anxious – too much freedom and no one to be accountable to except myself and I don’t trust me right now.
I’ve got a week until I go so hopefully this feeling will subside. I know it’s the wine witch – still there in my subconscious waiting for her moment. Telling me I can get away with it. Maybe it’s the smoke devil too as I am thinking that now is not the right time to stop smoking as if I do I think I’m more likely to drink next week. They’re working together the bastards. Anyway I’ve told C and I’ve told you. I’m not really a sneaky lying sort of person – I never even hid my smoking from my dad as a teenager very much – I was always more ‘fuck off if you don’t like what I’m doing’ – on the outside anyway. The remnants of the good catholic girl on the inside was ashamed of my attitude. It’s scary that I’m thinking of being so deceptive.
So I’m telling myself that if I say it’s ok to get pissed this time, then I’ve opened the door to all the other times that I’ll decide it’s ok ‘just this once’. I might manage to keep it to the heartbreak at first. Then what about all the happy occasions – weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays? Then it’ll be ‘hey it’s the weekend’ and before I can say ‘Sauvignon blanc please’ it will be pretty much every day again. I don’t want that. I don’t want to waste so much of my headspace debating with the wine witch, losing and hating myself for it. That is a big gain for me – freeing up my mind from the incessant debate. I’ll check in here and wherever else I need to and I will not drink!