January Reflections

It’s been a while since I’ve written and although I have lots of ideas I’m struggling to commit to writing them. I’ve noticed that bloggers come and go and I’m missing some of the bloggers I connected with when I first started on here (Jim and Nadine come back!) but I’m aware I’m drifting too. I’m not done with getting sober yet – I’ve had more cannabis free days in Jan than I would usually but keep going back to it. My new year intention was to persevere with quitting though and I am not waiting months before trying again so I’m ok with that. The few days I did without cannabis or nicotine I was agitated and distractible so I’m focusing on the cannabis first. Whenever I stop I start thinking about drinking again which is a concern. I imagine just having one at a social event – who am I kidding? The idea that ‘you have to have something’ is a powerful one that I can’t quite dispel. What does this actually mean? That we have to lose our higher faculties to truly experience pleasure and joy? It’s a nonsense but somehow just being me 24/7 doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m glad I have a 2 year milestone coming up as that is stopping me succumbing.

What the stop/start sobriety is slowly showing me is that I am ok without it until I start thinking I’m not. It really is all in my head. I need to push through that and figure out what it’s about. I did a week of early morning pranayama with my lovely yoga teacher in Jan and experienced a connection with my true self that I don’t think I’ve truly recognised before. I was aware of this inner awareness but still chose to follow the addictive voice and roll up again and failed to get up early the following week to practice on my own. The conflict is more palpable now and I want to keep it that way. I think I avoid writing to avoid articulating this conflict as it pushes me towards sobriety; so as I embark on another attempt I will try to keep myself accountable on here. I don’t like failing – preferring to keep quiet until I have something positive to show; being prepared to be seen when failing is probably an important step for me. Bringing my outer and inner self together and being authentic even if that means being messy and imperfect.

The rest of life carries on in its muted pandemic way. I am enjoying my work, my walks with friends and my riding. Baking bread has become part of my routine too. I love the simplicity of flour and water becoming this delicious loaf with time and the right processes. A metaphor for sobriety perhaps? We’ve had our 1st vaccines so there is hope on the horizon. The vaccine roll out appears to be our government finally getting something right though I am worried about the delays to 2nd doses creating ideal conditions for a vaccine resistant mutation – a thought I try not to dwell on. My mum’s cat had cancer and had to be put to sleep which was heartbreaking for her but a new arrival comes today. She has struggled with the pandemic isolation and her cat kept her sane so the quick replacement is very welcome. My daughter J starts a job in a nursery next week – not what she wants to do long term but a job nonetheless. My eldest E is in love (or so it seems) with a guy who sounds lovely and that warms my heart hugely. I can’t wait to meet him! I’m really aware my children have inherited a messed up difficult world and will not have life as easy as I have had it. I can’t help thinking we’ve not prepared them well for the challenges they will face. I think hedonism, drugs and party culture became a replacement movement for social conscience and political activism; ineffective – all style and no substance; you’re not going to change the world dancing to Techno in a field high on Ecstasy however radical it feels! Perhaps this generation will be more serious and focused?

So that’s me – how was your January?