It’s been a while since I’ve written on here – or anywhere. Yes I’ve been busy but it’s more than that. Since my 3 week break from cannabis I’ve been back on it; a little less indulgent but every night all the same. I don’t want to be the person who repeatedly fails in public, it doesn’t fit my external self image; but then neither does my hidden self. Coming on here and owning my struggle is how I’ll join my two selves – my light and dark, to be a truly whole being. So here I am – warts and all to share where I’m up to.
Like alcohol, (just before my 1st 3 month break)I find myself debating my relationship with cannabis most nights. My resolve to quit is always strongest when I’m high, and all but gone in the morning. I think about whether to stop tobacco first, use a Vape, or do both together. I act resentfully towards C because I’m actually sick of myself. Then I have another smoke and let the warm fuzzy glow wash it all away. I’ve added on line jigsaws to my addictive habits too. I swear I get a buzz every time I put a piece in – the crack cocaine equivalent for sensible people! At least that won’t kill me!
I feel like I’ve set up home at the half way house on the route to sobriety. I can look forwards to sober land; hear your stories and think ‘ooh that does sound good….I really need to get there soon’; and look back to the place where I hear ‘we all need something don’t we?’, ‘treat yourself’ and the like. I don’t want to go back and don’t think I could – I’ve seen through alcohol and we are done. Clearly though I’m using some of the myths to keep me where I am.
In one of my night time musings I thought about what it was that was my lightbulb moment with giving up booze. It was when I realised the marketing ploys but also the neuroscience of how are brains adapt so I downloaded a book written by a former addict and neuroscientist called ‘The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction’ and I read a little each night. So far the main take home message is whatever the drug, your brain gets busy producing the opposite effect as maintaining homeostasis (constancy) is the brain and body’s main preoccupation. Eventually environmental cues alone will set your body off producing the opposite of what you seek so you just don’t get the same feeling any more. Cannabis works on lots of our brain, like alcohol, which is why the effects are so diverse. It acts on the post synaptic receptors unusually telling the brain to pay more attention to the stimulus coming in which is why perception is enhanced, food tastes lovely, TV is funnier and sex is amazing. However, once your antidotes are kicking in through chronic use then everything is just dull and you don’t enjoy or appreciate it. I am still enjoying simple pleasures but maybe I’d enjoy them a lot more sober? Thinking about this stuff is helping my mindset and I’m hoping it will help me move on from the halfway house.