The Halfway House

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here – or anywhere. Yes I’ve been busy but it’s more than that. Since my 3 week break from cannabis I’ve been back on it; a little less indulgent but every night all the same. I don’t want to be the person who repeatedly fails in public, it doesn’t fit my external self image; but then neither does my hidden self. Coming on here and owning my struggle is how I’ll join my two selves – my light and dark, to be a truly whole being. So here I am – warts and all to share where I’m up to.

Like alcohol, (just before my 1st 3 month break)I find myself debating my relationship with cannabis most nights. My resolve to quit is always strongest when I’m high, and all but gone in the morning. I think about whether to stop tobacco first, use a Vape, or do both together. I act resentfully towards C because I’m actually sick of myself. Then I have another smoke and let the warm fuzzy glow wash it all away. I’ve added on line jigsaws to my addictive habits too. I swear I get a buzz every time I put a piece in – the crack cocaine equivalent for sensible people! At least that won’t kill me!

I feel like I’ve set up home at the half way house on the route to sobriety. I can look forwards to sober land; hear your stories and think ‘ooh that does sound good….I really need to get there soon’; and look back to the place where I hear ‘we all need something don’t we?’, ‘treat yourself’ and the like. I don’t want to go back and don’t think I could – I’ve seen through alcohol and we are done. Clearly though I’m using some of the myths to keep me where I am.

In one of my night time musings I thought about what it was that was my lightbulb moment with giving up booze. It was when I realised the marketing ploys but also the neuroscience of how are brains adapt so I downloaded a book written by a former addict and neuroscientist called ‘The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction’ and I read a little each night. So far the main take home message is whatever the drug, your brain gets busy producing the opposite effect as maintaining homeostasis (constancy) is the brain and body’s main preoccupation. Eventually environmental cues alone will set your body off producing the opposite of what you seek so you just don’t get the same feeling any more. Cannabis works on lots of our brain, like alcohol, which is why the effects are so diverse. It acts on the post synaptic receptors unusually telling the brain to pay more attention to the stimulus coming in which is why perception is enhanced, food tastes lovely, TV is funnier and sex is amazing. However, once your antidotes are kicking in through chronic use then everything is just dull and you don’t enjoy or appreciate it. I am still enjoying simple pleasures but maybe I’d enjoy them a lot more sober? Thinking about this stuff is helping my mindset and I’m hoping it will help me move on from the halfway house.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Join the Conversation

17 Comments

  1. I appreciate your truthful writing. It is in this meeting of the self that we make those most wished for changes. Lots of care to you as you navigate this process. Thank you for sharing your experience. 🤍

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was like this with my binge eating. I gave up alcohol and felt better after the hard bit. But I still binge ate and it was like my dirty secret. My external self is a runner, swimmer, outdoor lover who would try and be healthy. Then I’d come home and secretly stuff myself with chocolate, biscuits, you name it. I’m really struggling giving it up. It’s like taking away the final crutch, but I’m getting there. I completely emphasise with your struggle though. Mid binge I’m like this is ridiculous, this is your last one and the next morning I’m always like, why not treat yourself, you need to relax, you’re not that bad. I’ve started to tackle it in November with a food diary and eating schedule and it’s really helped. Maybe a diary could help? Anyway, I’m here for you 🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Can I ask…what is is that gives you the regret and want to quit? Do you feel smoking is making your life smaller? Less productive? Obsessive? Compulsive?

    I know many people who used both weed and cbd to sleep and most of them don’t see negatives..

    Anyways, just wondering. In the end, it’s your views on this that matter.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think it’s the making life smaller and less productive – though both those things are quite useful in a pandemic! Also coz I know I use in an addictive way – it is compulsive – if I could have it now and then I’d be less bothered – thanks for your support Anne it means a lot xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you are back writing – I get the reluctance to write yet another post saying “I used again!” because umm… yeah well you follow my blog. It’s just a good tool to hold ourselves accountable and get our thought / addiction patterns down on paper so perhaps it will help us to learn from later.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good to read a post from you again and really appreciate your honesty. Addiction and compulsion can be such a difficult thing to manage. I am sober in terms of booze but I know I have addictions in other areas of my life. I haven’t had confidence to share on here but it can feel like there is always something for me. I hope you manage to find your way. It sounds like you are getting there to me xxx

    Like

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: