A quick catch up

Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve been thinking of you all – the way you do about friends you’re missing and meaning to call or arrange to see. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all meet like the folks in the picture? Seems like a remnant of life as we knew it in these testing times. Anyway before I get into prophesy of doom mode I’ll share what’s been going on in my life!

Work mostly but it’s good. My private work has been building and I’m at the stage where I say yes to most things whilst still working 2 days a week for my job. We’ve agreed on my relationship with them moving forward and after this week I only have a month left so there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve not worked this hard in a long time but I’m staying calm and enjoying it mostly. No idea if making enough money but I can look at that when I get the space to. Otherwise have had a few weekends away – wales with C, visit to my eldest E whilst still allowed and then pony camp which was a commute daily in the end but was great. Satisfying the 11 year old in me! Oh and we won our last competition! By making a mistake which cost us time so we weren’t too fast but I’ll take that!

I managed 3 weeks of no spliff but wanted some for the weekend away with C and we’re back to it again since. Of course I can’t moderate but I’m still hanging on to the idea of it – why? I think I can’t fully let go of the ‘needing something’ argument coupled with smoking being part of how I see myself and my identity. Through giving up alcohol I feel I’ve stripped back layers of superficial identity is accumulated over the years and am more my true self these days, but the problem is smoking feels like genuine me still. I don’t have enough cognitive dissonance around it (internal arguing!) so I’m not in enough of a dilemma. Until we externalise our addiction as not us then I don’t think we can truly let it go. The dry drunk is still battling with themselves, feels deprived and has to use will power. They don’t see the underlying needs and issues that alcohol is the solution for and the addiction becomes who they are – squeezing out the other parts of their personality, usually for the worst. My spliff habit is more contained and impacts others less but I know it’s not good for me and those 3 weeks taught me I don’t really need it but I still I want it. I’m not stressing about it and maybe I need to to act. I’m just accepting this is where I am right now and as long as I’m still working on other things then that’s ok. I don’t think it’s such a consciousness obliterator as alcohol is but maybe that’s just an excuse? Addiction is addiction right? I don’t worry about my coffee or chocolate intake or my jigsaw habit either but maybe one day I will. My 18 month landmark of not drinking passed without me noticing – it’s just not a big deal anymore. One day the same will be true of smoking.

I miss Ruby and her presence in the house but it’s ok. We’ve adjusted to J living at home again and I love seeing her and C together. They’re playful and have fun and there’s a lot of love there. I’m reading an amazing book – The Over Story. It’s blowing my mind and though it’s a slow burner at first and long and deep I’d highly recommend it. I can’t help thinking there’s trouble ahead for us all and have apocalyptic visions of the future. I also think though that the world all being preoccupied with the pandemic and all it’s fallout is a huge focus of collective consciousness that means people see and notice what may have not touched them before. It’s much harder for the powers that be to fool us when we’re all paying more attention so I have hope that mankind might wake up and demand change before it’s too late. My mum has been reading up on global pandemics and they have always led to social change. When it happens it happens fast – I remember the Berlin Wall falling and how rapidly the whole of the USSR fell after that. We are moving in the wrong direction here and the USA and it may get worse before it gets better but I hang on to my hope. I’ve joined Extinction Rebellion and have 2 visions of the future; living in the countryside being as self sufficient as I can and living in a camper van being a full time protestor! For now though I need to work and I want to write more so I’ll stay where I am and just be here now as best I can. I know I’m much better off than so many fellow humans and I’m grateful and humbled by that. How are you all doing?

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17 Comments

  1. Your entire last paragraph – the apocalyptic thoughts, feeling there is a big shift coming, simultaneously grateful for my luxurious life and terrified by the desperation of so much of the world who lives on the other end – all things swirling in my head too!
    It’s funny the self-sufficient homesteader image has always appealed to me – I’ve read lots about it and tried to do small things here and there – but eventually I have accepted I have so few skills I’ll probably just be one of the first to die in an end of the world scenario, haha.

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  2. Love reading your update, congratulations on 18months sobriety that’s awesome. I’m the same, would love to disappear into the countryside and wondering about social change. Will check out the book you’ve suggested, thanks for the suggestion ♡♡

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  3. Love the update. Life is certainly shifting, or it feels like that anyway. I just hope it isn’t quicksand. I’m having lots of thoughts about what I’d like for my future. Like you I am grateful for what I have and I’ll continue to work but I know for the longer term I want ‘different’ whatever that looks like. Good to hear from you again xxx

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    1. Thanks Claire – I think balancing being in the present with hopes and dreams for a different future is hard but I guess the art of being human! You kids are still younger so harder still but I’m sure you’ll figure it out 💞💞

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  4. Good to hear from you and getting those updates, I must do the same. Also working a fair bit at the moment but feeling strangely optimistic despite the impending Brexit fiasco, an incompetent government, rampaging virus and crazy conspiracy theories. Something tells me there’s change in the air. Glad you’re back X

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  5. I just want to live my quiet life. I wish there wasn’t so much turmoil in the world.
    I would never survive in a camper or as a protester. Lol

    Not every drug is a problem. I occasionally smoke, although mostly no thc weed as I cannot stand feeling out of control. I am very attached to my clear head. It’s legal here.

    I wish we could all get together too. My life is pretty quiet.

    Anne

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  6. Thanks for the update; it’s great healthy about you and your life and thoughts on the world! Election Day is approaching in the US and it feels more like Dooms Day here… Take care and be well. 💕

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  7. wow, the Over Story looks amazing, I might give it a go. Have you read ‘Her Body and Other Partie’s by Carmen Maria Machado? It’s not as directly linked to the ecological question (though it does tackle it through feminist short stories about the apocalypse) but I loved it. For the smoking: doing things at your own pace and accepting where you’re at can also be a great thing. Maybe I’m saying that because I haven’t quit cigarettes yet and same as you, my cognitive dissonance is too low (“you deserve itttttt”). It’s been over a month now, which is long enough to make quitting harder. urgh. Anyway yes, I really hope the we wake up about the planet SOON, because if we don’t, well… there won’t be much to wake up too. sigh. As you say, let’s not give into prophecies of doom quite yet and see what happens. hopefully your mom’s reading will prove itself to be right and some kind of social change will emerge out of this whole shit show of a year. xxxx big hugs xx Anne

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  8. Loved reading your update!
    “Through giving up alcohol I feel I’ve stripped back layers of superficial identity is accumulated over the years and am more my true self these days…”
    This hit home for me! You put it so perfectly! So awesome on 18months alcohol free! I love your living in the countryside want for the future! Sounds wonderful! Ahhhhhhh!!!! ❤️

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