I woke up early today as I have been every day lately. Had a cup of tea then got my sourdough started to bake bread later. Went back to bed and read the news – depressing as hell, then some blogs on here – uplifting heavenly antidote. Making pancakes with the sourdough discard for breakfast and writing this as I wait for the mixture to be ready. I feel really good. I’m still not sleeping great (crazy dreams!) but it’s effecting me less. I’ve not smoked spliff for 5 days. Had a little at the weekend as friends came over but I didn’t crave it Monday. I can enjoy the evenings without it. I’m still toying with the idea that a little bit socially is ok but it’s not a strong thought – more a musing in the back of my mind. Strangely this is proving easier than alcohol. Maybe because of what I’ve learnt from being booze free, or just less addictive? Or maybe because I’ve not fully committed yet? I’ve not even tried to give up the cigarettes but I will when this is more embedded.
We’ve gotten much more sociable these last few weeks and I’m finally comfortable to be around others drinking and to really enjoy their company. This feels so good! I can be myself and it’s completely fine. I’m not judging them, I’m not bitter and I’m not anxious. Saw some friends in a beer garden so no spliff either and it was a really lovely evening; not spoilt by wanting to get home to smoke.
I’m also being a lot more productive in spite of the lack of sleep. Friday I still had work to finish at 5. Normally I would tell myself it could wait until tomorrow, then the next day tell myself next week but this week I got it all done finishing at just before 7 then cooked dinner with C. No more limiting of time spent on other things because it’s time to get stoned or drunk. I have all the hours I need and it’s so much less stressful. My mum always used to say ‘I know how busy you are’ whenever I hadn’t done what I said I would do. Yes I am a busy person but mostly I was busy getting out of my head. Everything else became a chore to squeeze into the sober hours, done with a foggy head and a lack of enthusiasm. No wonder life felt so hard and stressful with the added guilt of letting people down. It’s the little things that make me feel a better person – remembering to bring the book I promised to lend a friend; giving people a lift; taking time to listen to a colleague who’s having a bad day; saying ‘yeah sure’ when my daughter asks if I’ll do something rather than some half baked ambivalent stressful response. I’d gotten really selfish the last few years of drinking, possibly longer, and smoking dope most days meant that version of me was still present. Sober me is a nicer person. I like her a whole lot more! Enjoy your Saturday everyone!