Saturday Morning Sober

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I woke up early today as I have been every day lately. Had a cup of tea then got my sourdough started to bake bread later. Went back to bed and read the news – depressing as hell, then some blogs on here – uplifting heavenly antidote. Making pancakes with the sourdough discard for breakfast and writing this as I wait for the mixture to be ready. I feel really good. I’m still not sleeping great (crazy dreams!) but it’s effecting me less. I’ve not smoked spliff for 5 days. Had a little at the weekend as friends came over but I didn’t crave it Monday. I can enjoy the evenings without it. I’m still toying with the idea that a little bit socially is ok but it’s not a strong thought – more a musing in the back of my mind. Strangely this is proving easier than alcohol. Maybe because of what I’ve learnt from being booze free, or just less addictive? Or maybe because I’ve not fully committed yet? I’ve not even tried to give up the cigarettes but I will when this is more embedded.

We’ve gotten much more sociable these last few weeks and I’m finally comfortable to be around others drinking and to really enjoy their company. This feels so good! I can be myself and it’s completely fine. I’m not judging them, I’m not bitter and I’m not anxious. Saw some friends in a beer garden so no spliff either and it was a really lovely evening; not spoilt by wanting to get home to smoke.

I’m also being a lot more productive in spite of the lack of sleep. Friday I still had work to finish at 5. Normally I would tell myself it could wait until tomorrow, then the next day tell myself next week but this week I got it all done finishing at just before 7 then cooked dinner with C. No more limiting of time spent on other things because it’s time to get stoned or drunk. I have all the hours I need and it’s so much less stressful. My mum always used to say ‘I know how busy you are’ whenever I hadn’t done what I said I would do. Yes I am a busy person but mostly I was busy getting out of my head. Everything else became a chore to squeeze into the sober hours, done with a foggy head and a lack of enthusiasm. No wonder life felt so hard and stressful with the added guilt of letting people down. It’s the little things that make me feel a better person – remembering to bring the book I promised to lend a friend; giving people a lift; taking time to listen to a colleague who’s having a bad day; saying ‘yeah sure’ when my daughter asks if I’ll do something rather than some half baked ambivalent stressful response. I’d gotten really selfish the last few years of drinking, possibly longer, and smoking dope most days meant that version of me was still present. Sober me is a nicer person. I like her a whole lot more! Enjoy your Saturday everyone!

For nomorebeer Anne!

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21 Comments

    1. Thanks Anne – 2 loaves proofing overnight to bake in the morning – it is a bit of a chore though I must admit – got multiple jars of various sourdough creations in the fridge I’m struggling to remember what’s what! 😂😂xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sounds like you are doing great! I had a sober night last night too (after two previous days of fucking up) and felt wonderful this morning. It is so simple – every night I don’t have booze I wake up thinking “I’m so happy I didn’t drink last night!”. Not once have I ever thought “wow I’m glad I drank”…. now if I could only remember that when my Alcohol Brain starts talking! As for spliff (is that what the slang is in U.K.?) it’s always made me feel wacked out in a terrible way otherwise I’m sure I’d be down that hole too….

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  2. I have so many hours in my day today I’m not sure what to do with them all! Walk, clean the house, catch up with work? I think I’m going to do none of those and lie on my bed watching tv. I was beating myself up about not being very active but actually it’s ok to veg out isn’t it?

    Well done you, good going. Keep it up xxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It was really good actually. A quiet day lazing around other than yoga. I’m planning a similar day today. From Tuesday we are in some sort of lockdown but it’s very muddled. You can still meet 5 others from 5 different households in a pub or restaurant but you can’t sit in your mum’s garden for a cuppa. Bizarre xxx

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      2. None of it makes sense does it – as long as there’s money involved it’s allowed seems to be the ‘rule’ – my mum comes round for her Sunday tea outside when weather allows as she’d go insane without it and we are calling it our bubble – worries me though as I’m back to F2F work – think everyone’s making their own judgement call given how spectacularly crap the government have been! Hope you enjoyed your day! 💞💞

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      3. Yep, we are being pushed to meet in coffee shops rather than see our parents in their garden. My folks don’t really want to hang out in busy places so unless we do the garden thing they’ll be totally isolated. Either we all isolate or we don’t. This halfway house to basically get people mixing in places that have a till is no help at all. In my humble opinion that is. 💕💕

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  3. That’s what drinking does…makes us selfish. I’m glad you’re feeling social and productive and making time for others. Feels good, doesn’t it!? 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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