Hello there!

Hello fellow bloggers – sorry I’ve not been here for a while. It’s Sunday morning and I’m being lazy drinking tea and reading and writing in bed. The thought of doing this last night gave me a warm feeling! I’ve been thinking of you all but I’ve been busy getting back to work and catching up with friends in the real world now I’m not feeling depressed; as well as reading a great book that you want to keep getting back to (A Gentleman in Moscow) that I’ve really enjoyed. The irony of emerging from my own period of self isolation just in time to enter one for very different reasons is not lost on me, but I’m glad I’ve seen the people I have in the last few weeks. I feel like I’m living again and that has been great. A lovely weekend with my eldest daughter; lunch with my youngest brother and his wife and new baby; dinner with my yoga retreat friend and a few other dear people. A couple of films (Parasite is just brilliant!); yoga, meditation, riding and dog walks. Hard to fit it all in! Going back to work dipped my mood but only for a couple of days and this week I did a full week without that happening. Everyone has been so supportive and lovely, I look back on my anxious paranoid thinking and see it as just that – not a reality except in my mind; but our mind is where we construct our reality whatever our circumstances. Colette (wine to water) and Boozebrain’s posts reminded me of that this morning! (I don’t know how to put links in being technically challenged but they both post great stuff!).

If I’m being entirely honest though another reason I’ve not been posting is because what I would post here is the internal dialogue I’ve been having about cannabis and smoking and whether to stop and when. I’m wondering if I have to give up completely, can I moderate etc but I think I know (as a voice in my head tells me) what you would all say and I’ve not been quite ready to hear it! I’m addicted to it in that my use is compulsive and when I try to cut down/stop I can’t. That isn’t a judgement it’s an observation and a truth that I can no longer ignore.

Anyway, Corona virus has given me a push and I’ve asked C not to get any more in as I want to have a break. We are worried as C is over 70; we have a lot of contact with my 81 year old heart diseased mum, and I’m a 55 year old smoker so also at risk if I get it and medical care is in short supply. If there ever was a time to stop smoking this is it. The reasons are up close and personal. Having had suicidal thoughts intermittently in recent months I can now say unequivocally I don’t want to die just yet if I can avoid it; and there is something I can do to help with that. I’m also coming up to a year AF and I’d like to be fully sober on that day so I don’t feel like a fake in this world.

I’m going to try to emulate the Sober School course applying the lessons and thinking to weed and tobacco whilst only committing to 6 weeks initially. Interestingly in search of literature to support me in this (reading a lot changed my mind set with alcohol but there’s a lot less out there for cannabis) I’ve found a book that advocates ‘changing your relationship’ rather than total abstinence with cannabis. But addiction’s addiction right? If I stop for 6 weeks I can test this all out and decide for myself at the end of that time. An experiment, no more no less.

I hope you’re all safe and well and thank god we have the Internet and these virtual communities to help us through what will undoubtedly be difficult times for us all. Take care and stay strong 💞💞