The Heart Failure Diaries 6 – a different space

Thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. It was like catching up with an old friend and realising you miss them. I’m back at mum’s tonight for my third night. When I came back on Monday evening as my sister was leaving my mum was a touch irritable; moaning about being ill and then about my sister after she left. ‘I know she means well but she fusses so’. Sure signs that she was starting to feel better!
The cough persists though, and progress is still slow. There are comedic moments too. When Mum takes her hearing aids out to sleep she can’t hear a thing, so I tried to sign what I meant. She later did the same to me when she got up for the loo ‘I can actually hear you’ I said but of course she couldn’t hear me! Late Monday night I realised I’d not heard her cough for about 20 minutes. I shuffled in my sleeping bag into the hall and listened. After a few seconds I heard her breathing and went back to try and sleep.

Tuesday I managed to talk to our GP (family doctor in UK); and get antibiotics and a mild sleeping tablet. They are definitely helping as mum has eaten today for the first time since Friday. ‘No food for 6 days and I’m still the same weight!’ she exclaimed this evening – definitely on the mend!

I feel fairly sure she will get through this one now. What this feels like is a preview, a taster of what is to come. This week I have been in a different time and space from normal life. Very little else has been done because when I have the time I want to be quiet, to rest and let my feelings be there. I’ve seen a few patients but cancelled most. I spent extra time with Puff my horse yesterday before our lesson. I lay down with my head on some hay and he munched next to me, sniffing and nuzzling me between mouthfuls. It was very calming. I’m doing things at strange times – a bath in the afternoon, some work at 6am, but mostly it’s all just time between being with mum. I can’t think about much else except when actively doing something but mostly I don’t want to. My niece and daughters are in the same space, so we message a lot as well as my siblings. All of that is intense but needed.
I had a cuppa with a good friend today. She lost both her parents and brother in a very short time several years ago. She talked about this different space too, where the rest of the world goes on, as you go through this intense experience together, preparing for what’s to come. This is so so ordinary, so human, so family and yet so individual all at the same time. It’s strange how death’s shadow makes you notice and appreciate life so much. Thanks for reading my friends 💕💕