Since my last post – A Good Place things took a bit of a dip and C and I have been through a rough patch. I could put this down to various external stressors but if I’m honest with myself my negativity and finding fault can be attributed to my internal struggle with my addiction. Not the wine witch but the smoke devil this time. He’s a subtle bugger but his basic message is ‘your life is shit and without me it will be unbearable’. He’s been noisy because I’ve decided to stop smoking on 1st September. We’ve ran out of weed ahead of time so that part stops from today. Just over 500 days since I stopped drinking I’m ready to leave the forest of addiction and start living a full unaltered life. The sense that I’ve had a foot in each camp – (ambivalence could be my middle name!) and I’m missing out on something, (and it’s not a mind altering substance) has been with me since the early days. Something has shifted and today I feel relief rather than panic that I will be fully sober.
In the time since I stopped drinking I have started blogging, socialise less and have embarked on a path to self employment. I have been depressed and figured out some of the underlying reasons why I need to numb myself on a regular basis. I have gone from a frenetic pace of life swinging between hangover and intoxication to a much gentler steady way of living. Cannabis has facilitated this to an extent but it is now holding me back. I want the time it steals from me – the evenings and the early mornings. I want to do more yoga and write more. I have so many ideas that don’t make it from my head to paper or screen. Mostly I want rid of the niggling voice that makes me trash the other things I hold dear. Gollum with his precious ring springs to mind. I will be Frodo not Gollum and throw the ring in the fire so it can’t destroy all that is good!
My eldest daughter E gifted me a sour dough starter before she left last week. Baking is going to be part of my tool kit to get me past the smoking hour. My 1st attempt wasn’t too bad! I realised that in the past I never fully appreciated gifts like this. A part of her given back to me that will keep on giving. It’s proving a nice connection as I message for tips and help and we exchange pictures of our efforts. It’s sad to see how much alcohol and drugs coloured my view of what was worth bothering with. Socially I was always most interested in the occasions and people that promised maximum intoxication. No wonder I’ve chosen to stay in with weed rather than go out without alcohol. I’m hoping I’ll get sociable in a different way now. I’m appreciating the women I know through horses more and recognising them as genuine friends, which I’m sad to say I didn’t before as they weren’t drinking buddies.
My other tools are yoga, meditation, writing and you my friends! When I read your posts and exchange comments I feel connected with like minded souls and inspired to stay on this path. Connection and community are the enemies of addiction. Today I will be sober.