Lockdown diaries

I wrote this on my calendar earlier on in lockdown during a moment of frustration and although it’s true we did fuck all in April (in terms of what might need writing on a calendar) there is definitely something happening as we adjust to our stripped back lives. Other bloggers have articulated this so beautifully -Collette http://wine2water.blog/ and Jim http://formerdrinker.wordpress.com/ to mention a couple, that I almost feel I’ve nothing to add. Almost – ha ha! Collette frames it as authentic living instead of ‘doing’ and Jim talks about the effect of facing our mortality on how we face living. There’s no doubt this is a profound moment for us all to re-evaluate our lives and our inter-dependency with the whole of nature whilst sitting at home drinking tea doing jigsaws! Those of us who have quit drinking were already grappling with these questions so perhaps this has been less of a shock for us.

I’ve found we’ve slipped into a routine like humans do whatever the situation. I was alternating anxious days with more peaceful ones but the anxious days have lessened, mainly through not engaging too much with the bigger picture. My most anxious day has been Saturdays until today. Without the distraction of work I’ve woken up and immediately felt the absence of my girls and got myself in a doom and gloom mindset. I even text my Ex in search of E last Sat am, considering a one woman rave in the kitchen to pass the time. There were none forthcoming and later that day as I danced around making a pecan pie I was glad. I got the feeling all by myself! Later that afternoon I found some ecstasy with C and was even happier!

This week I thought about what I wanted to do today in advance and the anxst has stayed away. Focusing on simple pleasures and taking each day at a time is proving the best approach to all this uncertainty. I don’t want to drink though in the early days of lockdown it was suggesting itself as an option. C accidentally bought normal Becks instead of Becks Blue the other day. I had a sip and immediately said ‘there’s something wrong with that – it tastes horrible!’ It tasted like the poison it actually is. I’d have to try really hard to pour that stuff down my neck again! I am still smoking though we are likely to run out soon and I’m ok with that idea. I’ve lost the sense of having to manage things, force them or make them happen. I’ll just take it as it comes.

I feel the same about work. I spent last year raging at my job and trying to build a private practice so I could leave. I’ve realised now that I don’t want to do the same thing in a different setting, so rather than focusing on how I can make the same money elsewhere I’m just going to stay put and focus on the things I do want to do the rest of the time and see what comes of it. Writing, training and sharing ideas and private therapy clients rather than psychiatry ones. Maybe train in Equine Therapy. Trust the process rather than trying to force it or control it. The result of this is I’m enjoying my job more than I have in a long time.

My old dog is deteriorating before our eyes. Having never thought I’d be the sort of person who put nappies on a dog I am now doing just that at night. I don’t want to put her down without my girls being able to say goodbye and I’m grateful for this time with her. Pets are definitely Covid-19 winners, ours are loving our constant presence.

I’m very disillusioned politically and have left the Labour Party so I’m more in a place of resigned disappointment than righteous anger at the failings of our leaders. Instead I watch birds bathing in the waterfall C built in our backyard and wonder at nature as the seeds I planted push their way into the sunlight.

As others have said the task for us all individually and collectively is to figure out what we want to bring back from our old lives and what we want to preserve from this time. Like Collette I don’t want to go back to all that doing, but I do want to see my family and friends and to ride. I want to keep a slower pace though so I have time to stop and notice the world around me. Keep the simple stripped back feeling whereby the important stuff can be seen clearly, not obscured by a myriad of distractions.

So the rest of the day is cooking (rhubarb tarte tatin is today’s attempt), more writing, yoga, group call with my mum and girls and maybe some Killing Eve and Scrabble later. Simple pleasures to enjoy. Hope you all have a lovely day!

P.S. I’m going to post the follow up attachment articles on my other blog as I want to keep this one more for musings. If anyone is interested let me know how to contact you and I’ll send you the links. I tried to set up an email attached to this blog but failed – too impatient! I’m not anonymous on that one but I’m cool with you guys knowing who I am as I think of you as friends.