I’ve not written for a while but for once that’s not because I’ve lapsed back into smoking dope! Tomorrow will be 5 weeks without cannabis as well as my younger daughter’s birthday! I did have a brief relapse of 5 days which I’m not sure I shared about. We got offered a little bit of hash which has been unavailable since the start of the pandemic and was my favourite smoke so I took it. Not straight away but I talked myself into it. Our friend didn’t know we had stopped or wouldn’t have offered. Actually we were kind of glad when it ran out. The actual boredom of it was much more evident.
C has predictably embraced it completely and has no issue with stopping at all. This actually annoys me quite a lot so I’ve been mean to him at times. Particularly if I lose at Scrabble! My delightful ability to lose the plot and rage at my loved ones seemingly over nothing has been showing itself again. Not too much thankfully but more than it has in a good while.
My issue is that I don’t really feel much better. My hope was that I would have more energy, get up earlier, do more yoga and write more. Those things haven’t happened. “Perhaps I’m just a lazy person who hid it behind being a stoner?” I say to myself. I know that’s not really true. What I have been doing more of is working and riding as my daughter has a job now (bank work, zero hours contract, minimum wage but that’s a whole different post) so I ride more days. When I’m in a bad mood I complain that it’s all work and no play, especially when the horse is out of action which she was the best part of last 2 weeks. She’s ok again now. I think she wanted to get out of the dressage competition we entered for Monday! C doesn’t mind his life being this way and that annoys me too! He doesn’t seem to need anything to be content and I’m jealous as well as admiring of that.
I’ve also not been feeling that well the last few weeks after a brief period of having more get up and go. I’ve had a sore throat and a sinus type headache – probably related to the change in habits. The sore throat has felt like things sticking in my throat so I’ve been anxious that I may have throat cancer. At traffic lights in the car I’m either trying to see my vocal cords or rolling a cigarette! I know how ridiculous this is but still I roll them. Similarly I’ve noticed that my sleep is worse when I eat lots of chocolate in the evening which I do quite often. I still do it as in the back of my head the voice whines ‘Do I have to give up everything FFS!’ The super crazy dreams have subsided but I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my Ex. I think in part because there’s been a rupture between him and the girls again; the major difference being my eldest is also really upset and hurt this time. Also I doubt I processed my feelings very well at the time given that I was drinking and smoking my way through it. It hurts me that my girls have lost their dad through me divorcing him but I know that I can’t fix it and I’m not responsible for how it’s panned out.
I’m enjoying work on the whole but finishing for the day particularly after an intense one is when I want to smoke spliff the most. As that’s not available I’ve considered wine more than I have in last year. Switching off from others pain and that intensity is something I am having to find new ways to do. Cooking with music helps, jigsaws and reading. I’m too tired to do yoga and it’s too late to go for a walk. I’ve covered my old job the last 2 weeks and though it was nice to see some of my old team I realised why it was so stressful. It’s really unpredictable because the young people are so high risk. I had to detain someone who was really not well where there was a risk they’d assault us as that happened last time so lots of planning but it all went smoothly in the end; cancel lots of my work to fit it in, different authorities passing the buck for who was responsible; deciding how at risk a chronically suicidal person was when they’d intimated they had a plan for ‘soon’ when I thought I was doing a quick meds review. I’m not used to it now and I’m glad I’m not on the frontline anymore. I’m working more hours for myself but I’m in control of when and there’s not very much that’s not as planned and predicted. It makes a big difference.
As I read over this I can see the addictive voice running through it grumbling in the background. I am glad I’ve stopped and I will stop smoking cigarettes too eventually. I’m up early on a Saturday baking bread and writing this so things are beginning to change. I know from stopping alcohol that our bodies and minds take time to adjust and it’s still early days. Enjoy your weekend everyone! 😘