So I’ve made it to 10 days cannabis free and it’s beginning to feel a bit pink cloud like. My sleep is improving again with slightly less crazy dreams! My energy levels are up and most exciting for me I wrote a piece for my other blog that has been in my head struggling to make it out due to stoned stupor for a long time. The editor of the publication I submitted it to likes it a lot and is working on polishing it before publishing. I feel so good about finally doing one of the things I really want to do. Next week is early morning Pranayama again and I’m confident I’ll make it out of bed all week. Concrete changes I can use to motivate me.
It’s not all been easy though. My arthritis is more painful without cannabis so I think I need to get some CBD oil. I had a low 24 hours in the week and I had persistent thoughts of drinking. I was in the shop and stood in front of the wine contemplating getting a bottle. In my head were thoughts of not having fun and missing out but when I considered drinking a bottle of Merlot alone I realised how sad and not fun that really was. I told myself if I still wanted it tomorrow then I would buy it. Thankfully I woke up in a much better mood and was relieved. The wine witch changed tack and I found myself musing about wine with meals – surely that would be ok? I saw a half full bottle of red in the cupboard – I think C got it for cooking the beef stifado he’s making for Valentine’s Day. I sniffed it imagining the taste then thought about how I could never stop at one; I drank to get drunk. I recalled the wise words of fellow bloggers who have tried moderation. I thought about my girls and my health and the moment passed. Phew!
What I’m taking from this is addiction is addiction, and when you can’t have one thing you want another. Substitution is not the same as sobriety. I may be nearly 2 years alcohol free but I’m only 10 days sober. Those grooves in my mind have yet to turn into impassable tracks and perhaps they never will. I still have a way to go to turn the healthy paths into easy drive highways. I need to redefine “fun” for a start!
Whilst much of the fun in my life to date has involved intoxication in various forms, it’s also involved lovely people, good music and good food. The most fun I’ve ever had is on a horse. The bit that’s hard for me is finding the fun in the little things – a game, a film, a walk or a meal. I was always preoccupied with the accompanying or soon to come booze or spliff to fully appreciate them. Sobriety means you can be in the moment and fully appreciate and enjoy it. A slower gentler kind of fun but ultimately more nurturing for the soul. Hope you’re all doing ok and Happy Valentine’s Day!