638 days alcohol free – 1 day smoke free

I did it! I got past day 1 for the first time in a very long time. Completely substance free apart from a piece of Nicorette gum! My friend Colette’s blog https://wine2water.blog/no-excuse-for-excuses – read first thing in the morning was instrumental in turning my non committal thoughts into resolve. I wrote in my phone ‘if not now then when?’ and a list of my goals – to read and write more, do my workouts, yoga and meditation and cook and bake new things; along with a reminder that nicotine does nothing except poison me. I told myself that all I had to do today was not smoke though. The rest would come.

I found it hard to settle to work all day, being fidgety and distractible. I couldn’t remember much at all about where I’d left things at before Christmas and had that sense of dread that comes from too many tasks left undone. Having vowed to only use the online diary this year I found I can’t function without pen and paper so out came the paper planner – I’m a Luddite at heart!

By the evening I was more twitchy and the lockdown announcement had the smoke devil whispering that doing lockdown without spliff would be unbearable. Luckily C has hidden it all away and reminded me I’d feel crap if I smoked or I might have cracked in that moment. We have the vape and I considered that but didn’t use it. I came on here and read and commented instead. In my head I’m allowed the vape as I think it’s the act of smoking I most need to overcome. As I suspected the appeal of getting stoned is less without the nicotine so I’m hoping that will sort itself out as things progress.

Historically when I’ve tried to stop smoking I get really low in mood and suicidal after a week to 10 days; then I smoke and think ‘why have I done that – it’s not that big a deal?’ but carry on anyway. Knowing what I do now from going AF I see this as the addictive voice going full throttle. Remind me of that if I’m writing about how shit my life is in a weeks time!

I started one of the books about quitting cannabis I’d downloaded last night as I found quit lit really helpful with alcohol, and we went to sleep earlier than usual. I sweated a lot and woke several times through the night but I still feel more alert than usual this morning. I have stepped out of the halfway house, and resumed my journey towards a fully sober life and it feels good!