Gratitude for C

Tomorrow is our 6th wedding anniversary. I’m writing this sat looking out at the countryside in a tiny cottage in Anglesey – (a  small island off the coast of north wales for those of you not in the UK) early in the morning with the dogs snoozing whilst C sleeps in the mezzanine bedroom above. It seems the right time to write about C and express my gratitude. 

C is incredibly generous with his time, money and affection. It was the first thing I noticed about him when we met. Rarely is anything too much trouble or met with begrudged agreement. If he can’t he will tell you but if he possibly can then he will. I’m the lucky recipient of this attentiveness but it extends to my daughters, my mum and others too. In the early years my girls werent keen understandably, but he would still do things for them and gradually he’s melted their hearts. My youngest especially loves him dearly and seeing them together gives me joy. I am striving to have the same lightness of touch and positivity in my interactions with others. I know how good it makes the other person feel!

C loves me unconditionally. If I’m honest the heady days of our early relationship coupled with the pain of divorce and upset children escalated my drinking hugely. C bought the wine and although drinking less himself didn’t criticise or try to control me. There came a time when I wanted him to but deep down I knew that would give me an excuse to project out my self loathing and carry on, and I had to make the decision myself. We had some awful drunken rows when I would do this anyway; often when we’d had a really nice time towards the end. It was me rowing with him but he would forgive me in the morning and suggest ways we could work it out. When I decided to stop he stopped with me. He’s done the sober thing before for over 30 years and he genuinely could moderate. He can take it or leave it and he left it when I was ready to support me. He’s not once said he misses it. When I’ve been low he’s listened to my nihilistic hopeless thoughts. I would have wanted to leave me to be honest I was so depressing and negative but he’s never once said he’s fed up with me, only that he wants the situation to change. 

The early stage of our relationship when you’re blindly in love and can’t get enough of each other lasted a long time! Having always believed you have to work at relationships suddenly I didn’t and that was wonderful. As we’ve been living together longer and  more ordinary life starts to fill up the space there have of course been times when things have been difficult. The realisation that the pattern seemed similar to my 1st marriage helped me realise what I was bringing to ‘us’ and to begin to resolve my underlying issues. C owns his contribution too though and actively tries to change as well whilst encouraging me to be the best version of myself. 

C is incredibly wise. He’s lived a varied life and can still surprise me with new stories of what he’s done. ‘Have you built a waterfall before – yes actually – for a church back home’ – ‘J teaches yoga in prisons – Yeah I used to do that’. What?!! He had a difficult childhood in the rural Deep South and not the easiest of times over the years with relationships but he has grown and learnt through his experiences and continues to do so. He reads a lot and is writing a book to share his wisdom with the world and I think the world needs it right now and I hope it gets published. Attachment theory and his therapeutic way of working, how plasma cosmology relates and how those things can save the human race basically – (I have said it’s maybe a little broad in its scope!)The way I work with my clients is based on his approach and it really works – another gift he has given me.

I am not often bored in C’s company. For someone who is easily bored that is big! Today we will walk the dogs, eat, read, play Scrabble and talk. We don’t often do much different from that wherever we are. A far cry from the manic hyperactive person I used to be; never able to settle for long, chasing the thrill and ever elusive excitement.

C is a lot older than me and that makes our relationship bitter sweet; Ive found my soul mate late in life and the threat of loss hovers in the shadows. At times that can make me anxious which can lead me down the depression hole and spoil the present. When we met and I was on the cusp of falling in love I told myself if we had 5 years of happiness it would be worth it. It’s 8 years since we met now. Those 8 years have been the journey back to my true self as I’ve slowly stripped back the inauthentic parts of me brought about by trauma and addiction. I’m still on it – making mistakes, learning and growing, but I’m more and more present in this life of mine. It’s a journey I’m not sure I’d have taken without C by my side. The word I would use now is contentment. Happy anniversary darling! 💞💞