There are two thought processes going on in my head at the moment – a little bit similar to the dialogue I used to have with the wine witch but softer. Two posts I read from fellow travellers on here this week really resonated with this conversation https://100daystosparkle.wordpress.com/2020/07/08/a-breakthrough-of-sorts/ and https://wine2water.blog/ – do check them out.
The first relates to using alcohol as a way to avoid doing all the things you should be doing – circumventing your inner perfectionist critic or rather anaesthetising her. The second is about living on autopilot rather than challenging ourselves to leave our comfort zone and be who we are meant to be.
I no longer drink but I do use cannabis in this way – once I have smoked I have permission to do nothing of consequence, do a jigsaw, read, play scrabble – usually for the rest of the day. Lockdown is perfect for stoners and I’m more comfortable with it since there is no pressure to socialise but I’m more aware of the things that don’t get done as a consequence. Mainly writing and yoga. I am busier by far than I was at the beginning of lockdown – mostly with work and the horse. I’m really loving riding and after nearly 3 years of trying to ride her I’ve entered a dressage and a cross country competition later this month! That’s definitely out of my comfort zone but it’s still purely for pleasure. Shows are back on and I’ve had fun days out with my daughter and friends competing. My work is building steadily but…….
Saturdays typically turn into ‘dog days’ whereby I go ride in the morning then have a spliff when I get home and hang out with C and the dogs and sack off more productive activity. The dogs do this every day and they love it when we do it with them, the 4 of us lounging around. I don’t get my blogs written, the food shop done or much else. Similarly in the evening after a day’s work. I am in my comfort zone on autopilot. However it’s time we spend together when a lot of the week we are busy separately and we like it. When drink was involved with this it stopped being fun and the argument with myself became intolerable. I don’t think I would have stopped if it hadn’t.
I think of the path we are all on as The Hero’s Journey – I’ve had my awakening and I’m in the cave where I should be learning the skills I need for the troubles ahead except instead I’m bunking off. I’m Luke Skywalker not turning up for Jedi classes – missing the nuggets of wisdom from Obi and thinking he can just wing it when the battle starts. I’ve lived a lot of my life like this and I’ve usually got away with it but my fear is this time I won’t know how to use my light sabre when the time comes and I’ll let myself and everyone else down. On the other hand maybe this is exactly where I’m meant to be at this time – trust the process and allow it.
Writing, yoga and meditation are the tools I know I need to invest in for whatever is ahead. When I do them I feel more at ease with myself. My head is writing stuff all the time but I don’t get it out of there. ‘Inspiration will come but it has to find you working’ – I read that in a Carol Ann Duffy interview quoting Picasso. Discipline is as important as talent whatever we want to do and I don’t have much of it!
So I am enjoying my dog days but also anxious that I’m stuck on autopilot. Can I be lazy without being stoned? Can I be productive when I am stoned or with cannabis in my life? Will I withstand the battles ahead or fall at the first hurdle? Help me Obi one!