Last weekend I wasn’t in a good mood. I’ve realised that on here I do what I do in real life – when I’m feeling bad I don’t talk to anyone until after the fact so I can present it as a wrapped up dealt with scenario with myself as a far more balanced reasonable human being than I actually am! The only people who really get to see my dark side are my family and a few close friends. Part of last Saturday was running out of weed and the old addiction conflict coming up. Having resupplied a little bit for C’s birthday on Monday we have now actually ran out and I feel differently. More positive that I can actually do all the things I want to today and won’t be derailed by a sneaky spliff and the ‘put it off til tomorrow’ effect it has. I don’t actually want to give it up but I do want to exercise more choice over when I smoke and how often. A break will help with that I hope. Last Sat I nearly drank. I got the open bottle of red wine I’d used in cooking and sniffed it but then I went and did yet another jigsaw instead! Played the movie forward. As we took our evening bath and C gently tried to point out what I was doing with my thinking I snapped ‘so I’m supposed to be present and fucking grateful all the time am I?’ The sensible part of my brain was saying quietly – ‘actually you are!’ C had the good sense not to reply! By Sunday I was able to do those things more and balance was restored.
I’ve had 2 Covid tests this week. The first as work have asked us all to get tested then a few days later I had a cough and felt feverish so had to have another. Both were negative but it got me thinking about how we accommodate to risk and threat when it’s presence is continuous. I’ve been pretty careful but I’d seen a lot of people out on a long walk, been to the stables and visited my mum and gone through her flat to her patio to chat instead of standing in the corridor in the few days since the 1st test. We are all used to it now and the longer it goes on the harder it is to remember to be careful. Our bodies and minds don’t want to be in perpetual threat mode, it’s not good for them, so we adapt and carry on. I understand a bit more why people appear to tolerate awful situations – we can normalise anything if it goes on long enough and in one way that’s adaptive. It also explains why governments can get away with so much. Our outrage naturally wanes over time and our tolerance increases. The ordinary stuff of life and love continues and humans adapt to their circumstances. I’ve often wondered how ordinary Germans stood by as the Holocaust happened. We can see the same thing at work in the USA and here right now – I don’t mean those who believe the lies they spout, but the rest of us, busy making sure our loved ones are safe and well, no energy left to be outraged. It doesn’t bode well for our collective futures.
On a lighter note as I scrolled through the pictures on my phone I realised all the WhatsApp messages and pictures were a visual lockdown diary. Here’s a few of my favourites (the ones without family on – those are my real favourites of course!) Stay safe and sane everybody!