So I lasted smoke free until Friday night. Worked from home all day – didn’t get much done between meetings (distracted by anxious thoughts and multiple funny Gifs memes etc coming through – humour is universally used to try and stay sane!) and late in the day became aware of a medication error that was in part because I hadn’t written up the plan on the plan though I had communicated it but still my bad. No harm done but it got to me. I was in an over aroused state in spite of meditating and when I’m like that I’m snappy and C got mad at me – really angry which is a rare thing from him. It hit me hard – (I hadn’t realised I was being that annoying!) and that was it.
I am not good at being confined and I’m finding doing everything through a screen unnatural and strange. I’m also really worried both for myself and loved ones but also the NHS, my friends working there and the human race. I don’t know when I’ll next see my daughters. Spliff is calming me down in spite of my angst about the state of my lungs. I’m going to revise my aims as I’m not sure I can be totally smoke free in this extraordinary time; not without serious domestic collateral damage! No cigarettes (which I’ve kept to) and focus on doing more of the other things that help like yoga and meditation so it’s not first port of call and try to have as many smoke free days as I can. I have a yoga book that A got me years ago that says ‘don’t worry about your bad habits – just do more yoga and things will naturally sort themselves’ so I’m going with that. I know it’s a cop out and I know the beginning part is the hardest but it just feels too hard without all of normal life to distract and a shitload of anxiety in its place. Maybe I need to do this over and over like I did with booze until I get sick of it? I don’t want that either so for now I’m retreating from this particular frontline back into my comfort zone.
To end more positively tried a virtual meet up with friends last night which didn’t really work but it was lovely to see their faces. We wanted to sing a tribute to Kenny Rogers together! It might yet happen! I’m seeing a silver lining in the fact the government is having to do socialist things or everything will collapse and I think that will be hard to reverse once this is over as it will be too obvious to fool anyone anymore that neoliberal capitalism is a really bad idea for most of the population. Also the community level humanity and caring that is happening is heart warming and I hope we can keep it up as things get worse. Stay safe everyone and take care.