Well I got through the day! Some sticky points but there were always going to be. I’m writing this to reflect on what helped and what didn’t so I can do better today. By better I mean avoid the meltdowns!
I was busy all day but wrote and meditated in the morning – definitely helped. Then I worked at home all morning then in seeing patients in afternoon then riding. I usually smoke in the car so that was tricky but I ate instead. Got home about 7 and that was the most difficult time. Used to be wine o’clock and also spliff o’clock. I got irritated with C, and decided we would have a spliff. I got the box and C reminded me what I had written yesterday (he reads my blogs!) so I went away to read your comments and then decided to eat dinner first instead.
Your comments were so helpful! Helped me remember what my actual desire is – to be fully sober; encouraged me that I can do it and also that I’m not alone in this. Lots of lovely people are doing this too all around the world and they understand what it’s like. Thank you thank you thank you 💞💞💞 (Nadine I air smoked a bit too and it helped!)
After dinner I decided not to smoke and I was surprised that I didn’t actually crave much the rest of the evening. What I did do though was pick a fight with C just before we went to sleep. I ended up crying in my daughters bed but went back up and made up before sleep. My mum always used to say ‘don’t let the sun go down on your anger’ and I try to live by that as leaving stupid arguments overnight blows them up into more than they deserve. When I was downstairs I thought about going and having a cigarette and realised just how stupid that is. As if a smoke makes up for falling out with the person you love? Not being able to see your children for a while? Worrying about Covid 19 and all the people on the frontline and how we will cope as a community, a country, a species? This was clearly my addiction voice (now known as smoke devil 👿)at work and not my true self. It takes hold of my anxiety, distorts it into an all encompassing negative then presents itself as the only possible solace; having dissed all other available comforts along the way. God I hate that bastard! I hate it even more as it’s part of me but I do have a choice about how much it controls me.
When I did Kate Bee’s course I remember she commented to me ‘you’ll have learnt so much from your 3 months”. That really helped me reframe this as not about willpower, a battle, being good or bad but as a learning curve and she was right. I’ve learnt a lot from not drinking for 11 months and that is going to be invaluable in learning to not smoke. I need a toolbox for the trigger moments; recognition of the 👿; other ways to manage my emotions and connection with others. So heartfelt thanks again and I’d best get up and go meditate 🧘🏻♀️🧘🏻♀️.